


You put a fever inside me (and I’ve been cold since you left)

by CmndrGalPal



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, Clexa is Endgame, F/F, Med Student Clarke, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soldier! Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:17:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CmndrGalPal/pseuds/CmndrGalPal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa is injured overseas and is honorably discharged. </p>
<p>She is faced now with what -and who- she left behind</p>
<p>Not all wounds are physical</p>
<p>Some wars are internal</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I was as pure as a river, but now I think I'm possessed

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be working on my other story, but this popped into my head and I couldn't let it go. Hopefully, I do everything justice.
> 
> I don't own the characters, unfortunately.
> 
> No beta, all mistakes are mine.
> 
> I'm thatoneawkwardgay on Tumblr, feel free to come chat with me!

You don’t really want to go home. You feel like you should after two tours and as many years being overseas. You miss everyone, your family especially, but home doesn’t really feel like home anymore.

 

Your home is with your brothers and sisters in the unforgiving heat of the desert, covered from head to toe in the sticky sand that clings to you like paint. Your home is with your men at your back, your only goal to complete your mission with no casualties. It doesn’t always work out that way, though.

 

The doctors are amazed you remember everything. It shouldn’t be possible with the head injury, they tell you. You only wish you could forget. You only want the smell of burning death to leave your nostrils and the sound of the blast wouldn’t haunt you every day. You are lucky to be alive and you know that, but you wish you weren’t.

 

You listen intently when Sgt. Gunter and Pvt. Blake come by to see you. They commend you for your actions that saved them that day. You can only think of the eight that you lost. They tell you there will be a ceremony back home so they can present you with your medals, bronze star with a “V” for valor and a purple heart. They salute you and you try not to tear up when you return the gesture. Soldiers don’t cry.

 

They discharge you from the hospital a few days later. Aside from some nasty scars and permanent deafness in your left ear, you are physically fine. You board the plane back to D.C. and try not to dread landing. You pull out the note Sgt. Gunter left you, recommending a good therapy program for veterans. You know you should go, but you don’t even know how to talk about the things you’ve seen. You slip the note back into your rucksack.

 

Thirteen hours later and you are home. You see your parents, your brother (when did he get so tall?) and your cousin, Anya. There are tears and you aren’t prepared for how much it makes you feel. You repress your urge to flinch when your parents wrap their arms around you for the first time in eight months. Hell, a few weeks ago they thought you were going to die, so you let them have this. They feel you scarred but alive and seemingly in one piece, though inside you feel shattered. Anya and Lincoln simply clasp your arm and nod and you’re thankful for it.

 

Your parents talk animatedly about the ceremony, apparently they invited everyone you know to the house to celebrate after. You wonder if she will be there, too. Your head swims with visions of eyes that held oceans and you shake your head to clear them. Two years is a long time to be gone.

            The house is the same as you remember it, warm and cozy and it almost makes you feel better.  It’s late and your family is tired, so they retire for the night. Your mother calls from the hallway upstairs that there are leftovers in the fridge and to get some rest. You haven’t slept more than a few hours at a time since you left, you doubt you ever will again.

 

You grab the container of leftover pot roast and a breath of laughter leaves your lips, you had almost forgotten what that felt like. No one in the house likes it, save for you, and of course your mother would make it they day you came home. You heat up the leftovers and grab a beer, you shouldn’t because the doctor said it could mess with your meds, but you take a swig anyway. You eat and finish your beer and it all feels mechanical. You do it because you know you should, but you don’t feel any better.

 

You think about watching tv for a bit, just so the house isn’t so quiet and you do after you draw the blinds and shut off the lights. Old habits die hard, you think. Adult Swim is the only thing on right now, so you try to watch whatever show is playing. Something about a super jail, but none of it makes any sense. You feel yourself becoming restless, so you get up and go to the restroom and splash some cool water on your face.

 

Staring at your reflection, you see the bags under your eyes and the scar the runs behind your ear. You touch it and it sends chills down your spine. The doctor told you it would fade with time, just like the others, but you don’t really care either way. Your long, wavy hair is up in a bun as usual and you take it out and shake it loose. You look like you did before you left, but you don’t feel like the same person anymore.

 

You want to go back where things make sense and know that you can’t. You’re damaged now and there’s nothing you can do. Your hand is pulling the drawer open before you even realize what you’re doing but it somehow feels like the right thing to do. Your eyes flick between your reflection in the mirror and the scissors in your and you start cutting off your wavy locks. You feel in control and relived for the first time in weeks and it feels good.

 

By the time you’re done you stand in a pile of your chestnut locks and your hair is now shaggy and just above your shoulders. You think about the years you spent growing out your hair and how it feels like a weight has been lifted off your chest now that it’s gone. You feel like you can breathe a little better now.

 

 It’ll certainly be easier to get ready now. You sweep up the mess on the floor and dump it in the trash, it’s not full but you take it out anyway so you can smoke outside. Another nasty habit you picked up in the desert. The air is cool on your shoulders and you feel lighter now somehow, like maybe things will be okay someday. You don’t feel like dying tonight, so that’s a start at least. Your phone buzzes in your pocket and you jump slightly, cursing yourself. Why is anyone texting you so late, anyway? `

 

**[02:17]** **From Princess: Welcome home, Commander**

You smile despite yourself. Of course she would be the only one awake right now, you wonder how med school has been treating her. You wonder if she’s happy.

 

**[02:18] To Princess: It’s Corporal now, actually.**

**[02:19] From Princess: Welcome home, Corporal Woods**

**[02:20] To Princess: Thanks, Princess**

**[02:21] From Princess: I hate that nickname and you know it. Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor though :)**

 You smile again and feel your heart pound in your chest. You picture her curled up in her flannel sheets that hold in too much warmth with her phone clutched to her chest. She always told you that you were her personal heater as she wiggled her icy toes into your legs.

 

           **[02:25] To Princess: You’re the only one who thinks I’m funny**

**[02:25] To Clarke: Will you be here after the ceremony? Parents told me they invited everyone.**

**[02:26] From Clarke: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.**

**[02:26] To Clarke: It means a lot. What are you doing up anyway?**

**[02:27] From Clarke: Could ask you the same thing. Late shift at the hospital tonight.**

**[02:27] From Clarke: I gotta go back in. I’ll see you Saturday, Lex.**

           

You’ve smiled more in the last ten minutes than you have in months and you let yourself feel good for a moment. You think about telling her that you missed her, but decide against it.

 

            **[02:28] To Clarke: See you Saturday. Good night, Clarke.**

**[02:28] From Clarke: Goodnight Lexa**

 

 

 


	2. I know it's cold when we're apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ceremony and barbeque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in Clarke's POV. 
> 
> As always, come chat with me on tumblr @heda-kom-trigaydakru about all things Clexa (or anything, really)

The sun shining through the blinds wakes you earlier than usual, especially after the late shift you worked last night. It was five o’ clock by the time you dragged yourself through the front door and five thirty when you had showered the hospital from your tired body and rolled into bed ungracefully. You were asleep before you hit the pillow but you felt Bellamy curl his body around yours and hold you close.

 

            It was Saturday, the day of Lexa’s ceremony and the first time you’ll lay eyes on her in almost three years. The thought causes a familiar ache to settle in your chest. She had always been there and then she just….wasn’t anymore. You decide not to dwell on things and get dressed.

 

            You pull out a cerulean dress that matches your eyes and tastefully accentuates your body and a simple pair of sling back heels. You pull your blonde hair into a bun with a few curls framing your face. You apply some light makeup and put on a small string of pearls and appraise yourself in the mirror. Bellamy whistles from the doorway, startling you.

 

            “You look beautiful, Princess.” He says as he kisses your cheek lovingly.

 

            “So do you, Bell.”

 

            He really was beautiful in a way that was effortless. The summer brought out the freckles dusting his cheeks and nose and his dark curls were getting longer. He donned a simple outfit, grey slacks and a white button up with black dress shoes. His grey blazer was slung over his arm.

 

            “Are you ready to see her? After all this time?”

 

            He sighs, lost in thought for a few moments.

 

            “I am. I miss her, you know? I haven’t seen her or Octavia since last year. Are you ready?”

 

            He and Octavia had grown up with the Woods family, much the same as you. Their parents weren’t the greatest and they had accepted them with open arms anytime the siblings had needed it. Gustus had insisted on an open door policy with them and with you as well. He and Lexa had bonded easily over a mutual love of sports and cars and they became best friends, much to everyone’s surprise.

 

            “As ready as I’ll ever be. It’s just been a long time.”

 

            He nods, knowing Lexa is a sore subject, especially after the last few weeks. Your fathers had been close friends since college, so you had grown up together. You had been friends as long as you could remember and somewhere along the line you had become..more. No one really knows about that, though, and you’d like to keep it that way.

 

            Bellamy made omelets for breakfast, thank god, because you can’t cook to save your life. The two of you eat quickly and set off for the ceremony in comfortable silence. You look at him and take in his wind swept curls and the dark sunglasses he wore and you think about how lucky you are to have him.

 

He had stepped up as a friend after Lexa had enlisted and everything had fallen apart for you. You don’t know what you would’ve done without him during those first few months, you don’t want to think about it. The two of you had grown close, especially after his sister followed in Lexa’s footsteps a little over a year ago. He admitted his feelings for you and the rest was history, the two of you still lived separately, but spent most of your time together regardless.

 

You arrive and follow the small crowd of people into the banquet hall that had been reserved for the ceremony. You spot Lexa’s parents and let Bellamy know you’re going to go say hello just as he spots his sister. You turn and wave at Lexa’s parents and they beam once they see you. Gutus was a large man, an engineer like your father and the biggest softie you’ve ever met. He insisted on everyone calling him Gus and having elaborate barbeques every summer for all of Lexa’s friends. Emily was quiet and reserved, more of the voice of reason in the Woods household. They had become a second family after your father passed away and they still checked in with you often.

 

You embrace them and then Lincoln, Lexa’s brother and her cousin Anya shakes your hand. You knew they were close growing up, but the two of you had never really clicked. Lincoln looked as if he’d grown a foot taller since you last saw him and packed on about 20 lbs. of muscle. He had been the only person to catch on to the more romantic nature of your relationship with Lexa, but he hadn’t said anything and you were grateful.

 

Gus offers for you and Bellamy to sit next to them and you accept, happy to be in their company. You really had missed them. You see Bellamy pull his sister into a fierce hug before she had to go and take her seat. He walks back wiping a few stray tears from his face and sits next to you. It had devastated him when Octavia told him she had enlisted and he swore he wouldn’t forgive Lexa for giving her the idea. She had really grown into herself, though, and she seemed to be happy. Lexa had apparently pulled some strings with her superiors and had gotten Octavia into her unit so she could look after her.

 

You remember getting the phone call from Gus that night, telling you that something had happened and Lexa was hurt. You’d never seen Bellamy so distraught before, thinking something had happened to his sister and his best friend. Once you found out the details and he realized she had risked her life to save Octavia’s, all of the bad blood had vanished.

 

Things go quiet as Sgt. Gunter approaches the podium and then time stands still as your eyes land on her. She is sitting to the right of the podium, her posture as regal as ever and she looks stunning in her dress blues. Her impossibly green eyes somehow find yours and you suddenly forget how your lungs are supposed to work. She is more beautiful than you remember, but there is something different.

 

The Sargent clears his throat and you snap out of your trance and catch your breath and he talks about Lexa’s military career. She had enlisted right after finishing a year of college and had proven herself to be a dedicated soldier. After completing boot camp, she had immediately requested to deploy overseas and had risen through the ranks quickly after that. She showed herself to be a leader and someone that other soldiers could look up to and rely on to have their back. He finishes and shakes Lexa’s hand as Octavia takes her place behind the podium.

 

“I have had the pleasure of knowing Corporal Woods for most of my life. Watching her become a part of something so important gave me the courage to enlist. She talked Sgt. Gunter into letting me join his unit so that she could look after me and I couldn’t be more grateful to her for that. Corporal Woods is the kind of leader that every solider knows will throw themselves into danger to make sure everyone else make it out safely. We are here today to honor her for that reason.”

 

“On June 18th our unit was tasked with providing security for trucks carrying supplies to an FOB. When our convoy approached a police checkpoint and found it empty, Corporal Woods voiced her concern. It was decided that we would press on to the base. Just after noon, one of our trucks was struck by an IED on the side of the road. Thankfully, no one was injured in the blast. EOD bomb disposal arrived to sweep the area and found no secondary IED. Then, out of nowhere there was a second blast, bigger than the first. Corporal Woods was thrown from her position at the gunner’s turret and sprang into action despite the injuries she sustained. She radioed the convoy commander to alert his of the situation, thinking we were all dead. When she discovered Sgt. Gunter moving inside the vehicle, she wasted no time coming to his aid and then mine. Had she not pulled me out of there, I would not be here today. She searched the truck but, found no other survivors from our unit. Corporal Woods stayed with us until the helicopter arrived with medics to get us to the hospital, despite having her own injuries she insisted that we be taken care of first.”

 

“It is for her bravery and selflessness in the face of danger that we honor Corporal Woods today. It has been an honor and a pleasure to have served with her.”

 

Octavia joins Sgt. Gunter and Lexa rises and accepts her medals with tears in her eyes. They salute her and she returns the gesture as the rooms erupts in thunderous applause. She clasps Octavia’s forearm and the two of them walk to where you and the Woods family are sitting. Bellamy stands and pulls Lexa into a hug, whispering in her ear what you can only imagine is his eternal gratitude for saving his sister’s life. You can’t help but notice how stiff she gets at the contact. She nods curtly at him before clasping his arm and looks at you like she is unsure how to proceed.

 

Having her this close causes a familiar feeling to settle in your chest, a warmth you weren’t sure you would feel for her again. You do what comes naturally to you and step into her space, your eyes raking over her and taking her in. She surprises you by pulling you into her embrace and buries her nose in your hair, you feel her inhale your scent and she relaxes for the first time in your arms. Her heart pounds against your chest, strong and sure and she is alive and you feel relieved knowing she is still here.

 

Her breath stutters for a moment before she whispers into your hair, what you can’t be sure. She pulls back and holds you at arms’ length, taking you in. She smiles and you could swear the whole room lit up, you can’t help but return it.

 

“You look good, Clarke. Thanks for being here.”

 

“So do you, Woods. Told you I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

 

The room is starting to clear and you hear Lexa’s parents telling everyone to meet them at the house. Lexa looks at you, her green eyes asking the question that you know won’t leave her lips.

 

“I’ll see you there, Lex.”

 

She nods and moves to leave, but you touch her arm lightly.

 

“Can we talk later?”

 

Lexa looks like a deer in the headlights and you can only recall seeing her look scared once before. She immediately coughs and straightens her back. She agrees before hurrying to catch up with her parents and you shake your head, some things never change. Bellamy is chatting with Lincoln outside by the car when you find him. He claps Lincoln on the shoulder before climbing into the vehicle and starts the engine. Lincoln stops you as you go to open the passenger door.

 

“She misses you, you know.”

 

You suck in air through your teeth and purse your lips. The statement hurts more than you like to admit, but more than anything it makes you angry. Three years and not a single word from Lexa. You never wanted this.

 

“I miss her. I never wanted things to be like this, Lincoln.”

 

He nods slowly. Lincoln, being the only person who knew about your relationship with Lexa, know just how much her leaving hurt everyone. How much it hurt you. He lays his large hand on your shoulder and squeezes gently.

 

“I know. Neither did she. Just, don’t give up on her, okay? She’ll never admit it, but she needs your support right now.”

 

You let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding in and grasp Lincoln’s hand. You nod and he squeezes your shoulder again before joining Lexa and driving off. Bellamy looks at you puzzled when you get into the vehicle and you just shrug and shake your head. No need to worry him for no reason. You stop by the apartment to change into jeans and one of your college t-shirts and Bellamy grabs a pair of plaid shorts and a black v-neck. You both grab a pair of sneakers and head out.

 

The Woods’ home is exactly the same as you remember it. The smell of grilled meat permeates the air, filling your nostrils and making your mouth water. Gustus was a genius behind the grill and in the kitchen and all of your friends jumped at the chance to indulge themselves with his cooking. You manage to grab a plate before the boys (and Octavia) swarm the tables like a pack of hungry wolves.

 

Everything about this fills you with a sense of deja-vu. It feels like nothing has changed, but everything is different now. Lincoln is a man now, Bellamy is more reserved, Octavia is grown up and disciplined, you’re well on your way to being a doctor, and Lexa isn’t a wild teenager anymore. You’ve all grown up so much and it’s hard to believe how much of their lives you’ve missed out on.

 

People seat themselves around the backyard and soon the air fills with the sounds of animate chatter. Little by little, the sky darkens and Lincoln starts a small fire while the rest of you crack open cold beer. Gustus and Emily retire for the night and you promise to keep it down for them. Octavia finds you and pulls you aside for a moment. She grabs hugs you like her life depends on it and you think about how much you’ve missed her.

 

“Thanks for looking after Bell for me.” 

 

“It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.”

 

She chuckles softly and looks at the deck, watching Lexa enter the house. Her blue eyes find yours and they are searching for answers to questions she can’t ask. You have your own questions, but it isn’t her place to answer them so you hold your tongue.

 

“Talk to her. “

 

You breathe deeply and try not to look as nervous as you feel, but you know Octavia can see it. She shoves your shoulder playfully and promises to cover if anyone asks for you. You watch her sit next to Bellamy and take another deep breath, willing your legs to move. Your feet carry you through the house, remembering how to navigate it even in the darkness. You see her silhouette on the front porch swing smoking and ready yourself.

 

_Here goes nothing._


	3. Just give it time

Lexa

 

The voices of your closest friends should probably be comforting you, but just like the night before you start to feel restless and you notice you’ve been tuning out of their conversations a bit. You let out a calming breath and take your eyes from the fire and scan them over the group and find them chatting idly, smiles on their faces and you feel a warm fondness spreading in your chest for them. The years seem to have melted away and it feels like you’re all seventeen again camping in the backyard and sneaking beer from your parents’ fridge (you found out later they always knew about it) and you can’t help but smile. It feels good to have everyone here again, you think. 

Still, you feel overstimulated so you politely excuse yourself with a promise of beers for everyone when you return. Clarke and Octavia are chatting on the deck and your eyes catch the blonde’s on your way into the house. You pause a moment, trying as always to figure out what’s going on in her head and not surprisingly, you come up empty. You shrug your shoulders and continue onto the porch anyway, lighting up a cigarette as you sit on the porch swing. The coolness of the night air and the quietness of the street has always somehow felt calming to you and it’s no different now. It’s going to take time for everything to feel normal again and you wonder just how long that will be.

The front door opens and it takes everything in you not to jump out of your skin (fucking hearing loss) but relax slightly when you notice it’s only Clarke. You scoot to the far side of the swing and gesture for her to sit next to you and after a moment, she does. You remember countless nights the two of you spent just like this, enjoying each others’ company away from everyone else. 

“I would say those are gonna kill you, but I’m pretty sure you’re indestructible at this point.”, Clarke says after a few minutes of silence and the breathy chuckle after makes you smile despite your nerves. “The scars say different, Clarke.”, and even you cringe at the flatness in your tone and curse yourself quietly. She frowns for a moment, but then a cheeky grin lights up her face.

“Chicks dig scars, though. Makes you look rugged and badass, like Kahl Drogo.” 

Just like that all the tension is gone, and honest to god you laugh for the first time in what feels like years. Not a chuckle, but a loud bark of laughter and her face lights up like a thousand suns and for a second it feels like no time has passed at all. The laughter dies down and you’re still smiling like an idiot, feeling a little better about yourself. You watch her from the corner of your eye, watching you smoke but you don’t feel uncomfortable. 

“Nice haircut, by the way.” As the words leave her lips, her fingers sweep through the sheared waves of your chestnut hair of their own accord. You shiver at the contact despite yourself and she immediately stops once she notices how tense your muscles are. You shake your head and curse under your breath.

“It’s ok, just weird being touched still. I think I just needed a change, you know?.”

She nods and her eyes rake over you, searching for something and whatever it is she finds makes her smile again. That smile. Your smile. “You did a good job, actually. Never seen anyone cut their own hair without butchering it before. It suits you.” 

Your cheeks flush and you chuckle, mumbling a “thanks” and running a hand through your hair. Your phone lights up with a text from Bellamy and you get up, offering a hand to the blonde. “The boys are dying of thirst apparently, so I should go bring them the drinks I promised. You coming?” 

Her perfectly manicured hand slips into your calloused one and you swear you feel it, that spark, but you push it down. She catches you by surprise by throwing herself into you, nearly toppling you both off the porch, but you hold her steady. You let her breathe you in for a moment and feel the splatter of tears on your collarbone, but you say nothing, knowing she needs this and maybe you do, too.She pulls back after a minute and wipes her eyes and nose with her sleeves and composes herself. 

“Don’t scare us like that again, okay? I don’t know what I would’ve done, I-I’m just really glad you’re here.” 

You’re an ass and you know it, now you just have to figure out how to make it right. You settle for starting with an apology and working your way from there. It’s not enough, and maybe it won’t ever be but you have to start somewhere. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke. I won’t disappear again, I promise.”

Clarke smiles nods and you think you may have made the right call. You open the door and motion for her to lead the way and she walks back through the house to the backyard, sending another smile your way before she joins the others. As you grab the beer, you consider just how many amends you still have to make before things can ever go back to the way they were, or even if they could go back. Would you even want them to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so no excuses. I haven't updated this in a year, and I'm sorry. Will try to keep updating, maybe once a month or something. I'm @thatoneawkwardgay on Tumblr if you wanna check out my trash blog and yell at me.


End file.
